


It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off

by SamWhity



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 18:50:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14754315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamWhity/pseuds/SamWhity
Summary: Sighing, Aquaria started typing.Aquaria: It is on me. Everything that happened is on me. Kingsley felt like shit because of that pairing: invalidating his skin colour like that is frankly disgusting and it happened because of me. Me being in a corner practising for that song and not even noticing what kind of shit was thrown at him is my fault. Me not stepping in to say how great and fierce of a queen he is, spoiler alert, is on me. Me being somehow liked enough to be safe even when I didn't deserve it is on me. Because, spoiler alert, I don't fucking deserve any of this kindness. [...] So yeah, it's on me. This huge pile of shit is literally on me, on my fucking shoulders and let me tell you I am fucking tired.





	It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off

**Author's Note:**

> I purposefully chose to hint to the racial component in Eureka's pairing choices. I did it because I found her way of explaining it poorly articulated and disrespectful of the POC in the room. On top of that, Kingsleyyy expression at the end had me almost in tears: he looks sad and somehow disappointed even if he says "it's okay".  
> ALSO: the hate Aquaria is receiving (from Monét's fans and other queens) is sad and shows everything that shouldn't be happening in this fandom. Calling her fake because of 45 minutes of edited reality show looks like a poor choice to me and seeing queens - *cough* Farrah *cough* - speaking solely on the base of that made me angry and a little bit sad too. Consider this little creation my emotional outlet for the day.  
> Based on those two arguments, I decided to moderate the eventual comments, in order to keep the conversation open and as respectful as possible. Hope you enjoy it!

She could not breathe.

Everything around her was starting to swallow her up, letting little to no space for her to move.

She somehow managed to arrive to the hotel, trying as long as she could to avoid Jordan judgy look and racing to the bathroom, before closing the door behind her.

In a matter of seconds, all of Aquaria's bad feelings and negative emotions got the best of her and she found herself throwing up, in tears, clutching to the white porcelain of the toilet.

“Christ” her friend's voice startled her, making her almost bump her head on the toilet lead.

Suddenly, two tiny hands were around the queen torso, helping her to stand up.

“All out, miss thing?” Jordan didn't seem to be missing a beat, rubbing her back and making sure she was at least able to walk.

Aquaria nodded, before moving to the sink and splashing water on her face, completely oblivious of lashes and make-up.

“Sort yourself, then go to sleep” her friend's voice reminded her of Cracker's tone, every time they somehow stumbled upon Aquaria's lack of communication skills.

“Can you please leave?” the queen managed to ask, before moving to fetch some coconut oil and remove her already almost melted make-up “I'm fine” she then added, even if neither of them believed it.

Jordan sighed, before opening the browser on her phone and typing something.

“There is a Starbucks few blocks away” he explained “I'm gonna get you some tea, okay? Don't do anything stupid”.

Aquaria nodded, trying to erase the black liner she used to paint her face without getting everything in her eyes. She needed a shower and clean clothes, she thought, before realizing there was only a bath tub and sighing.

“This will have to do”, she mumbled, before beginning to fill the tub and starting to undress. The queen tossed her clothes on the floor, before remembering she would have needed them for an upcoming show and folding them neatly.

In the meanwhile, her phone started buzzing.

 

**The Vixen created a new group chat “Bullshit”**

**The Vixen:** Bitch you okay?

 **Monét:** …

 **Miz Cracker:** What the hell is happening?

 **Monét:** Not sure.

 **The Vixen:** Someone looked like she went through it. Again...

 **Miz Cracker:** I'm kinda lost, here...

 **Monét:** Vixen, it's so sweet of you but I'm fine. Trust. Just a little shaken.

 **The Vixen:** I wasn't talking about you.

 **Miz Cracker:** LOL

 **Miz Cracker:** Wait, what?

 **The Vixen:** Aquafina, where are you?

 **Monét:** Where are your people at?

 **Miz Cracker:** Guys, what the hell is happening? Katelyn and I are still lost.

 **Miz Cracker:** She says hi, btw

 **The Vixen:** I got a glimpse of Aquaria after the show, scrolling through her phone and looking like someone single-handedly killed her puppy. So I checked and they're dragging her down. Like a lot.

 **Monét:** Wait what?

 **Miz Cracker:** They always drag her down.

 **Miz Cracker:** How is that any different from every other time?

 **Monét:** **@Aquaria** are you okay? I'll cut a bitch, you know it

In that exact moment, the young queen entered the bedroom, a towel around her narrow hips, to find a whole lot of messages, replies to some of her tweets, mentions and, of course, the new group chat.

She sighed, before reading all the messages and deciding she would have answered later.

She read some of the tweets, before tossing the phone on the bed and starting getting dressed.

When Jordan came back, she was lying in bed watching TV.

“Here, your majesty” he put the cup on her night stand “Want to talk about it?”.

Aquaria shrugged, before adding: “Not really. I just got what I deserved, I guess...”.

The light slap on her head left her dumbfounded.

“Don't even start with your pity parties, you dumb bitch” her friend said “Let this shit go. Water of a bunkbed, or whatever”.

“Duck's back” the young queen murmured, before noticing her phone vibrating.

 **The Vixen:** Remember: I know where you're staying

 **Monét:** LOL. She's here to fight!

 **Miz Cracker:** **@Aquaria** are you okay? I smell trouble, when you're not on your phone

She bit her bottom lip, before answering.

 **Aquaria:** Sorry, was taking a bath.

 **Aquaria:** What are we talking about, again?

 **The Vixen:** #toovague

 **Aquaria:** Oh Lord

 **Aquaria:** I'm fine. Was taking a bath, had some glue on me...

 **Monét:** Shit.

 **Miz Cracker:** Poop

 **The Vixen:** Can you not?

 **Monét:** I just read it. It's fucked up.

 **The Vixen:** told you!

 **Miz Cracker:** I still haven't understood what we are talking about...

Much to Aquaria's despair, Monét send some screenshots to the group chat and Aquaria couldn't help herself but cringe. Meanwhile, the conversation was still going.

 **Monét:** I actually don't think you did **that** bad. And regardless, this is some fucked up shit.

 **The Vixen:** My point

 **Monét:** And as much as I love you, had you volunteered for that lip synch I would have kicked your ass

 **Miz Cracker:** Is not on you.

The young queen sighed, before typing a quick answer.

 **Aquaria:** Can we please not...?

 **Aquaria:** All I want right now is to go to drink my fucking tea and go to sleep.

 **Monét:** BITCH

 **The Vixen:**???

 **Monét:** You throw your guts out?

 **Miz Cracker:** Okay, I'm lost. Again.

“Fucking bitch” Aquaria murmured, before sending a message to Jordan saying: “You nosy bitch. I'm gonna get you...” to which the other one answered with a silly emoji.

 **Monét:** Aquaria you should honestly chill a little. Yes, you didn't do great and yes, maybe you should have been in the Bottom 2 but you didn't and it is **not** on you. Don't listen to any of that shit, don't let it affect you and go on with your life. I love you, I think you are a fierce queen and a decent Cracker impersonator.

 **Miz Cracker:** * **facepalm** *

Sighing, Aquaria started typing.

 **Aquaria:** It is on me. Everything that happened is on me. Kingsley felt like shit because of that pairing: invalidating his skin colour like that is frankly disgusting and it happened because of me. Me being in a corner practising for that song and not even noticing what kind of shit was thrown at him is my fault. Me not stepping in to say how great and fierce of a queen he is, spoiler alert, is on me. Me being somehow liked enough to be safe even when I didn't deserve it is on me. Because, spoiler alert, I don't fucking deserve any of this kindness.

She sent it, before wiping her eyes and starting typing again.

 **Aquaria:** And I swear to God every time I say that I will make it right and it never works. I tried to explain myself after that whole “leave me alone” moment and got nothing but hate. I spoke with Dusty before her lip synch and I'm fake as hell. I don't reply to Sharon's photos like people would love me to and I'm an insensitive spoiled disgusting brat that will never do good. I try to make things right with friends I genuinely love and adore and I am told “You do it to clean your image”. I try to be as sincere and as vulnerable as I can just for people to say “Stop being humble on twitter, you worthless piece of garbage”. I am permanently called names I find too disgusting too share. So yeah, it's on me. This huge pile of shit is literally on me, on my fucking shoulders and let me tell you I am fucking tired.

She pressed “send” before even reading the whole text in order to check it because she knew that she would have never sent it otherwise. She then grabbed her tea and started sipping on it, trying to calm herself. She didn't even realize she was sobbing until she almost choked on her beverage.

Someone knocked at her door and, thinking it was Jordan, she got up and opened only to find Monét and Vixen standing in front of her, looking worried.

“I... I can't do this right now” she managed to mumble, completely lost “I'm sorry I can't...”.

She couldn't speak any further, because Monét engulfed her in a hug and didn't seem to be willing to let go.

“We got her”, Aquaria heard Vixen saying on the phone “Should I put you on speaker, Miz Peptalk?”.

And there she was: Miz Cracker live and in stereo

“Giovanni are you listening?” she said, before sighing and continuing: “Nothing of what happened in that Untucked is your fault. Nothing, okay? You can not take the blame for someone else's conscious decision because it's not fair. First of all to yourself.”.

The young queen was now crying, engulfed in Monét's embrace an incapable of keeping herself together any longer.

“I'm so sorry..” she mumbled, clearly embarrassed.

“Stop. Right now” Cracker's stern tone made the others flinch “Stop hating yourself to the point that you think you deserve all this shit. Stop because, fuck it, you deserve the world. And you pulled it off, making that decision look like the tasteless joke it was. Are you listening, Giovanni?”.

“Yeah” Aquaria answered between sobs.

“Good, because I want you to understand that you are not responsible for other people's feelings toward you” it sounded like the older queen was pacing around a room, probably her hotel room “Unless you have wronged them, and it is not the case, it's none of your fucking business and they are a bunch of unreasonable people. And now, you're gonna drink your tea, go to sleep and call me when you wake up. Have I made myself clear, Giovanni?”.

The only answer she got was a muffled “Mh”, to which she answered with a “It'll have to do, this time”.

Trying to lighten the mood, Monét chuckled: “God, now I know who's the top in this friendship”, which cause Aquaria to slap him lightly on the shoulder.

After hanging up, the two older queens took out sweatpants and t-shirts, before making themselves comfortable in the other one's bed.

“Confess it: it's your guilty pleasure” Vixen lovingly mocked her “In bed with two black men”.

“Are you really playing the race card?” the young queen said, before laying in bed and snuggling against a cushion.

“If you snore, I swear, you'll die”, she murmured, before falling asleep.

The following day, Aquaria woke up in an empty bed and found a note on her bedside table saying: _“We'll see you tonight. Call Cracker, before she loses her shit!”_

She smiled, before reaching for her phone and dialling the queen's number.

“How are you feeling?” Cracker didn't waste time and went straight to the core of the discussion “Monét was worried, and you know the bitch lived in the Bronx...”.

The other one bit her bottom lip, before murmuring: “I'm sorry. It just got the best of me and I guess I could have reacted better”.

“Well, you kinda got a lot to deal with” the older one said “Just try to watch out for yourself. You know they'll come for you regardless and...”

“I miss you” Aquaria's words made Cracker stop for a second, smiling despite the bad moment “I really do, you know?”.

“I miss you too” the older queen answered, incapable of hiding a smile “I can't wait to see you again, you know?”.

“I know” the other one murmured “I can't wait to see you either. I miss your face. And your hugs...” she stopped for a second, before adding: “Do you think the others know...?”.

The laugh on the other end of the line made her pout.

“I think they wouldn't find so unbelievable, if we were to tell them” Miz Cracker said, before sighing “Babe, I have to go. Talk to you soon?”.

Aquaria smile, before answering: “Sure. Have a good day, okay?”.

A couple of minutes later, she got a text from the older queen that made her smile. It was the screenshot of her conversation with Monét and she couldn't help but giggle, after having read it.

 **Monét, 08:53 am:** Just left your BF's bedroom. He slept through the night and he'll be fine, I guess. I'll keep an eye on him tonight.

 **Miz Cracker, 08:53 am:** Thank you.

 **Miz Cracker, 08:54 am:** Btw... BF?

 **Monét 08:54 am:** LOL. You two aren't fooling anyone. It's kinda cute actually.

 **Miz Cracker 08:55 am:** Keep it to yourself, okay?

 **Miz Cracker, 08:55 am:** PLEASE, Monét.

 **Monét, 08:56 am:** Your secret is safe with me.

 **Monét, 08:59 am:** Now that I think about it... have you actually fucked on set?

Aquaria couldn't stop herself from smiling fondly: Monét was a really amazing friend, a great competitor on the show and overall a considerate and caring person.

She quickly sent an heart emoji to Cracker, before heading to the bathroom with a smile.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The event Monét is talking at the end is the one where she's booked with Aquaria the night after the viewing party at Roscoe's. (you can find the recording on Youtube. It#s actually kinda funny and surely entretaining)  
> Also, the texts without a timestamp are supposed to be part of a whatsapp-chat and the ones with it are iMessages. Yeah: I'm a sucker for details. #sorrynotsorry


End file.
